I work really really hard at self care. Today I did a pretty good job. Over the summer I was dealing with a lot of anger. At first I thought it was postpartum, but as I started making some small changes I found I’m angry when I feel like work takes over and in not present at parenting. So while likely some postpartum stuff going on, I’m fighting the battle of the rat race and feeling only mildly successful. For the sake of my sanity, on the days I stay home I try to play more with the kids and check email etc during nap time.
Today we went to the park. Caleb played on the swings. He LOVES them. Very soon he’ll be on the slide too. Simon decided to play trains (he brought them from home). I had coffee. I took three pictures and I played.
At home in the afternoon Caleb played his favorite game, which is to be right I. The middle of whatever Simon is doing. Simon hated this game. We are there. It’s going to be a long few years of fighting. So Caleb went to the jumper as he NEEDED a nap but was too stimulated. Sleep in three minutes. Simon played trains. I helped with the track.
We did a second round of playground then when Rob got home. I went to kickboxing. I’ve found a perfect emotional outlet in punching bags. I had a really good day, but also 92 unread emails. Anger. Presence. Balance. Trying not to have it all.
One thing I’ve learned about us is we go all out for Halloween. I might buy cupcakes for birthdays but have no problem making elaborate Halloween costumes. Rob and I do them together. I do the sewing he does the gadgetry and painting/sculpting.
The biggest thing I’ve noticed in our differencing approaches is I’m willing to sacrifice some detail to do it as cheaply and creatively as possible. Rob is an artist (and perfectionist) and would rather spend a bit more to make it perfect.
This year we are recycling parts of the Marshmallow Man for Caleb. I will need to get some white fleece to make his under suit. Simon will be his Ghostbuster. I’m making a jumpsuit. Rob is making the semi-working proton pack. Even if they don’t live it we will.
Rob says he’s not dressing up this year. But I’m making a cape so I can carry my wand from Hogsmeade.
I love Halloween.
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14
Caleb was baptized a few weeks ago. It was just a normal church service, nothing fancy. I wore heels. Caleb wore the same romper Simon wore. I was a little nervous about fit, since Simon was 7 weeks and Caleb 7 months. Luckily with Simon I used a romper than had been gifted and was 6 mos size and I didn’t worry that it was big. After there was Wendy’s and cake.
I turned in the first drat of my dissertation proposal last week. There are extensive revisions that need to be made this week. I’m probably hoping to have to work at night a few days because the kids are only I’m school three days and one of those is devoted to teaching. I know it’s kind of a luxury that I don’t usually have to work at night. And that we have daycare on my paltry grad student funding.
As infuriating as battling my three year old can sometimes be, I’m generally happy that I have my Mondays and Thursdays just me and the kids. I had to work hard to let go of the guilt that I wasn’t “working” on these days. I had to let go of the guilt in order to let go of the anger that they didn’t deserve for “keeping” me from my work.
I love that this morning simon went to his first ballet class. Then we went to the park. As Simon went down for a rest screaming he woke Caleb. So we are sitting on the couch where he nursed back to sleep. I have that feeling that I should put him down and utilize the double nap for writing. But this moment is fleeting. He so rarely falls asleep nursing or even in my arms anymore. So every time he does (2-3 times a week maybe) I just want to hold him and soak up the baby ness. I have to learn to let go of the guilt that accompanies being fully present in the quiet moments as I have with the active ones. I’ll give him a few more minutes of snuggled sleeping in my arms. Then I’ll think about writing. Or not.
**And the last of the summer posts on October 1, time for fall adventures.
To keep things simple, which is something I’ve really been working on the last couple of years. So we started Simon’s birthday with donuts and family presents.
Then Simon’s party was that evening, on his actual birthday – a Wednesday – at the park with a few friends. I took Simon to Party City and let him pick some plates and a few other decorations. I made some cupcakes and bought a fruit tray and some drinks. Then I ordered pizza and had it delivered.
The party was perfect! The kids had a great time playing on the bikes and at the playground. They got some pool and sprinkler time. I got to talk to the other adults. I think this will be the trend of future parties – low stress and lots of fun.