High and Low

It’s been over a week since my last blog post. Two weekends ago I wrote and scheduled my posts for the week, and I had the best of intentions of doing the same last weekend. But time got away from me and it didn’t happen. I have so many posts in my head though. There have been so many highs and lows lately, contributing to the lack of making time to write.

Today was a really good day. I attended a colleagues dissertation defense this morning. I left inspired with a renewed passion for wanting to come up with a dissertation project I really care about. Then I had lunch with my adviser and another professor in my field of interest and we talked about the development of said project. I need to spend the next couple of months looking into grant funding and the feasibility of the project. And writing. A lot. But I feel really good about school. Next week, or tomorrow I need to remember this feeling. ***Update: on Friday I found out my paper that I’ve been working on for almost four years was accepted for publication in a fancy peer-reviewed journal.***

Tuesday I felt like my professional life was a mess. I had spent two days rushing from daycare, to meetings, to working, to daycare, to the grocery, doing laundry and was exhausted as my life was cut into segments that were scheduled just badly enough that nothing lined up. And I have no real funding package for grad school, and no grant money this year and I really need to find a paying job (through school or otherwise). I spent a couple of days feeling really depressed. I was back to one idea of doing a dissertation I don’t really love, but it would be fast and I could likely graduate in 2014.

Then there are days when I get home and Simon lights up to see me and yells “MAMA” and gives me the biggest hug and kiss. And we play trains. And he snuggles. And is sweet. Then we do our bed time routine (pjs, feed the rabbit, nurse, watch the “Twinkle Star” video) tuck in at 8 and he sleeps until 5.

And then there are the damn crackers. The kid is kind of addicted to crackers. There was one day last week where I was talking to him on the walk home from school about seeing Daddy at home and having eggs for dinner. He asked “And crackers?” When I told him no crackers there was SCREAMING. There were no crackers in sight. Then we got home and there were no crackers. So more SCREAMING and throwing of food. Then NOT sleeping. And waking up every three hours. And I feel like I can’t go on like this.

I’ve had a lot of highs and lows lately. Today though was a very good day. I have a few writing projects that have real deadlines and requires a bit more of a structured writing schedule, so I figure I’ll schedule some blogging too. I will survive both getting a PhD and toddler hood. On bad days I just need to recall days like today.

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One thought on “High and Low

  1. Girl, I feel you. A toddler and a dissertation are NOT easy tasks to balance at the same time. They’re not even easy separately, so together they’re crazy tough. But you’ve got the drive and the persistence to manage them both. Maybe good-enough is good enough sometimes.

    I’ve also been feeling really up about aspects of my grad school life and accomplishments and then sometimes down about others. I started writing my diss, finished a draft of a conference paper (2 months early) , and had a meeting with my diss group! But then I started to feel crappy about how much work was left and how I’ve fallen behind other people in my program who started after me.

    But, kid, infertility, losses (and finances)–people drop out of grad programs under FAR less pressure than that. And here we both are, working on our final step in the process! I think that calls for some celebration!

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